I came across this story that is both funny and shocking: read it and you'll see what I mean.

Kids; don't try this at home!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 47^th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-size stun-gun.

The effects of the stun-gun were supposed to be short lived, with no long term affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety… WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pressed the button and held it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife the burn spot on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking, that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, stun-gun in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best!

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and OH MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then, body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body In the oddest position, and tingling legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a stun-gun, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

Wow!! That hurt like hell!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.